Supporting My Own Madness

So someone thought they were clever and briefly pretended to be me, but gave themselves away in a hurry by using an emoticon. (Thanks, Jody!)

Following up with more later…sleepy now…

Just one more trip around the sun

So there was an annular eclipse that I watched tonight. These kinds of things always make me step back to a more cosmic perspective on things, but eventually have to reel myself back in. After all, it’s great and amazing to realize that we are just one species among millions on one planet among eight that’s orbiting one star among billions – all of which will persist for an amount of time that yawns forward beyond anything I can even conceive. But in the end, you also have to recognize that our lives matter, even as small as they are. I’m important, you’re important and so are the stories that we play out.

I also went on a date with a new girl this afternoon. For now, she’ll be known as Amish girl not because she is Amish but more just because shorthand is easier than full truth. In reality, she just comes from a very heavily Amish area originally. She’s cute, has a good sense of humor, open minded, and has a pretty sexy brain (which is pretty important to me). She’s also not afraid to get up and get moving which is something that I find that I’m looking for more and more. My last ex was kind of lazy when I was trying to be active and many of my best friends are usually pretty lazy. I’m trying to get/keep myself in shape and hanging out with people who are content to spend most of their day sitting in one room not doing too much can drive me insane.

We went out just for coffee because lately I’ve been trying to get away from dates that are either formulaic or excessively formal or structured. So we met up, got coffee, and literally just walked and talked for hours. To the point where I eventually realized that she was wearing flip-flops and was probably very uncomfortable. She said she was getting a blister, but it wasn’t that bad and didn’t want to stop. I realized after I’d gotten home that I’d managed to earn one myself. So we walked and talked until we both got blisters on our feet. Which I think is a pretty awesome story if things work out. I hope they do. I’m working on a plan next weekend to try and sweep her off her feet – which, now that I think of it, would be a fair change of pace from today to say the least.

I’ve settled on the design for my tattoo which I’ve decided to get for my 30th birthday next month. Now I just need to figure out where to have it done, but I’m not even sure how to go about vetting this sort of thing. I don’t even know that many people who have gotten tattoos around here. Think I may need to recruit some help… To be continued.

I think maybe I don’t drink enough

The guy I work with at night at work actually said to me yesterday that he thinks that I should take some days off, that I seem like I’m getting stressed. I didn’t think it was that bad, but it worries me that other people see this and are commenting.

This brings me to a thought that I keep returning to lately: I don’t think that I drink enough. I mean, I’m still young. Why am I not out getting blitzed out of my brain on weekends instead of driving all over creation trying to keep my friends in the “yellow danger” range of sane? Why struggle to deal with honest thoughts and emotions when other people quite clearly aren’t interested in doing the same? Is exercising really helping relieve my stress or is it just giving me more energy to fret over junk? Why do I even hang onto all that liquor if I’m not going to drink it? It’s clear that no one else is coming over to have any.

I think I’ve just gotten into this cycle where I feel like I need to keep my life together and I don’t have nearly enough disorder. I don’t make enough bad decisions. I think that it might be important for me to screw up more or just generally do more asinine things.

I got a new range today which I absolutely LOVE. I can’t wait to start experimenting with it. First up is going to be chocolate chip cookies because I know that recipe like the back of my hand and know how I expect it to work out. After that, I may move on to challah bread this weekend and possibly a few other recipes, but I haven’t planned beyond challah. This afternoon’s omelette was great, so for my next stove top trick maybe some Italian buttercream.

Had an interesting idea about my 30th birthday recently. I’ve been thinking of a way to make it memorable and so I’ve contemplated the idea of getting all of my friends presents. Nothing big, likely just a small gift card for each of them. But even $10 is $10 that you didn’t have 5 minutes ago. At least that’s the way I look at it. Some other jackass might say “great, you gave me $10 so now I have to spend at least another $15 at Amazon to get free shipping.” Unfortunately many of my friends are jackasses. This is labeled as a “work in progress” – the gift idea thing, not the friends. I’m pretty much stuck with them.

With some extra time that I had at the end of the night last night while I was at work, I decided to put together an interesting bit of data. See, in our shared email account we have to claim emails with our name as we’re working on them so that we can avoid 2 people working on the same thing simultaneously. Well, I went through all of April and found out how many emails were claimed by each person in our group during any given day. Then I made awesome charts because I’m a huge nerd. And I didn’t send it to anyone since it was mostly for my own satisfaction. Found out that one of the people in the group never claims more than 10 emails per day, I’m the high average at between 50 and 60, and other nice  bits of information. Maybe I’ll use it to try to argue for a raise at some point.

Speaking of which, it’s time to get ready to start my work day…off I go.

Things that have happened recently

Isn’t that a great title? It could be used for pretty much every blog post ever and that kind of flexibility is a good thing, right? I’m not just being lazy, right?

I had that date last weekend which I felt went pretty well, but ended earlier than I’d hoped for the understandable reason that she had to be up early to babysit the next day. We texted back-and-forth during the week, but when it came to Thursday and I explicitly asked her out again, she was too busy this weekend. So I’m not sure if she was being phenomenally polite but ultimately disingenuous in saying that she wanted to get together again or if it’s just true that she happened to be too busy but did in reality want to see me. I guess time will tell. I’ve decided to let her make the next move.

I also found out that This American Life is doing a live show broadcast to movie theaters similar to what I’ve been to before with other groups (Riff Trax). I was so excited and worried about the tickets selling out that I went online and ordered them on my phone while I was still at work. I ordered 3 at the time: one for me, one for my coworker that told me about it, and one optimistically for a date. Well, the third ticket seems to be freed up now and the funny thing is that I wouldn’t be broken up about it if it ended up just being me and this girl from work. It’s a horrible, horrible, awful idea and can NEVER happen because she technically works in a group below me in the office, but I think if circumstances were different that I could ask her out and she’d say yes.

Foolish though it is, I’ve also been texting back and forth with The Girl Who Painted Her Car this week. Yes, I’m still hung up on her. I still have an inkling that she may have some sorts of feelings for me. But when you get right down to it, she’s still spending her nights with someone else and at a certain point I’ve got to say to myself that she’s already made her decision and it didn’t end up in my favor.

So that’s the three women on my mind at the moment.

Finally this week I pulled the trigger and had someone put in a gas line to my kitchen so that I can have a gas range put in. It was more expensive than I’d thought, but the quote seemed reasonable when I compared it around the internet. I also ordered the range!! I’m SO EXCITED. It should be here on Wednesday. Here it is in all its glory:

The LG 3095 Stainless Steel Gas Range

I’ve been trying to decide what the first thing should be that I try in it. Should it be something scientific like my chocolate chip cookies that I know like the back of my hand and have a good feel for how they normally come out? Should it be something sentimental like Texas Sheet Cake, the recipe that I loved as a kid and was taught to bake on? Or should it maybe be something that I just want to make like a loaf of challah bread? At the moment, the latter is winning out.

On a more personal note, I’ve been fighting not to feel down lately as I’ve been trying to help out several friends who are dipping into depression. It’s so easy to get dragged under in situations like that. I don’t know how much I can/want to write about it right now, but it’s something lingering in the back of my mind.

Maybe I Don’t Hate Dating (?)

To be fair, I guess I specifically mean that maybe I don’t hate dating the girl I met up with on Saturday. Had a lot of fun, ate dinner, decided to skip any of the movies on offer and instead go play skee ball and a quiz game at Dave and Busters. Then we just got to wander around for a while and talk, which is usually my favorite part of the night. Yes, I like her a lot. Now comes the tricky part where I have to try not to screw it up. The screwing up part is my specialty after all. You can’t let them know that you want to see them too badly. You can’t just start opening up right away with everything about yourself until you come to a sort of wordless understanding that it’s okay to reveal how each of you is broken.

I guess that’s what I hate about it. When I like someone, I want to be able to just go for it. To tell them, be crazy, all of it. On the other hand, the times that I’ve done that I’ve ended up burning out the relationship way too quickly and dodge out. It’s funny, because most of the time I’m such a very controlled person in what I present to the world. Maybe I’m more passionate than I give myself credit for.

As a distraction, I’ve thrown myself back into home improvements. I’m continually amazed at how easy it is to get something moving once you finally pull the trigger – or maybe it’s just a matter of choosing the right people to help out. I’ve decided to replace all of the screens in my windows because they have some holes that have developed and are generally kind of dingy. I was trying to pull one out and measure today so that I could go to Lowes and buy 4 new ones, but I realized that they’re actually attached to the top of the window itself. They hinge outward without any real noticeable release mechanism. It’s bizarre. So I’ve emailed the people at the company that manages the development with a big ol’ “WTF” (well not exactly that but you get the idea).

I also finally called a local plumbing company that I’ve worked with in an emergency last year. They’re coming tomorrow to give me an estimate and if I like it they may even be able to put in the gas line to my kitchen that same day. How crazy is that? I never thought it would be that quick or easy once I just made a single phone call. Once I get that hook-up put in, all I have to do is decide on the type of new range I want and arrange for the installation with Lowes or Home Depot. I’m VERY excited about this. If it happens soon and I can manage to keep from scaring this new girl away, maybe I’ll throw together a batch of my famous chocolate chip cookies “to test the evenness of the new oven” and share them with her.

Speaking of which, I’m still working on convincing her to head down this way at some point soon – possibly this weekend. I figure that if having a candy factory with an ice cream parlor in town and an awesome puppy to visit back here at my house can’t do it, then I don’t know what will. I suppose that I’m also meant to be part of the draw myself but for all of the outward confidence that I’m able to throw around, rejection can really shake that up. Not that she’s rejected me. Just being neurotic.

The big up-shot at the moment is that I’ve thought far more about this new girl than The Girl Who Painted Her Car since last weekend. I need to get over her.

Hello world?

So this is my first post since it became obvious that somehow an unknown number of perfect strangers had stumbled across my super-secret blog. I’m going to carry on anyway as none of them seem to know who me or any of my friends are.

Also my first post from my phone. At the moment I’m simultaneously waiting for a table at P F Chang’s as well as my date for the night. I’m looking forward to it, but with a little apprehension only because of our age difference. She’s 5 years younger than me, but seems to have a head on her shoulders and some ground beneath her feet. Also, she’s a cute, pale brunette with blue eyes. And she works in a lab where she sports a lab coat. All plus for nerdy ol’ me.

My friends and I have developed this sort of agreement that at least until they make it through the first few dates, I don’t use names because the rate of attrition has gotten so high. So for now to my friends, this one is “rabbit girl” because she keeps one as a pet. I really hope to be able to abandon the whole thing at some point if only because it would signal some success in finding that lasting companionship I seek.

The working out is going well these days but my weight loss is frustratingly slow. Weight is forever a problem for me. How can I have a 34 inch waist at 6’1″ and still fall under that horrible “obese” category on the height-weight chart!? It’s crazy and sometimes discouraging, but I can feel and see myself getting stronger almost every day. I’m very glad I bought the weights, too. The cardio is going well, but I like feeling the stretch and dull ache in my muscles that the elliptical can’t give me.

Well, she’ll be here before too much longer, so I’ll wrap this up here for now. Fingers crossed!

I hate dating

I really wish that there were some other way to end up happily with someone than going through this damn mess of dating. Trying on all of these different relationships and just hoping that one of them fits so you don’t have to return it. Struggling to slowly both reveal yourself and unravel the other in that horrible awkward dance. The gamesmanship of the whole thing is just exhausting.

Here’s an excellent example from today: I received a message telling me that I am, in essence, a horrible person and that I should never message this particular girl again. This is because I told a possibly inappropriate story to her about work. Eleven days ago. And haven’t sent her anything since. I had written her off, forgotten about her, assumed that we had different senses of humor, whatever. Then a week and a half later she takes it upon herself to write this kind of garbage with the obvious sole intention of making me feel bad. And it worked. For a little bit. I refuse to let it keep me down because it’s nonsense, but it’s just so typical of the stuff that you get out of this garbage process.

I’m talking to someone new now and I’m hoping against all reason that it goes well, but it’s just something distant that I cling to any more. Being happy, at peace, and in love again for 5 minutes would be such a godsend that I can’t even say. I just want to sit on the couch together and read. Lay in bed together talking about nothing and whining back and forth about how Cassie keeps stealing the covers. Go for walks and enjoy the sun on our faces. It’s way harder than it looks.

Exercising my ass off

So I’ve been working out a ton lately. When I first got the weights a few weeks ago, I was doing 18 pounds in each hand. Now I’m up to 22.5 in each hand, running virtually every day. Sometimes twice a day, with one run in the morning and another after work. My arms end up rubbery plenty of days, but on the whole I feel strong, powerful, and awesome. It very much makes me wish I had someone to show off to.

I’m going to look damn good in a kilt this year, though. That much I can say for certain.

Overall, I’ve been very busy lately. This weekend, I exercised a lot, power washed my whole deck, made bread pudding, and drove to Fairmont and back for Easter at my parents’ place. No one there ever seems to understand that TV is very distracting to me because it only makes me think of work. My dad wanted to watch The Masters. At work, we captioned The Masters for DIRECTV on 5 different stations simultaneously, using 5 different captioners over four days. I processed the order and it’s all I could think about the whole time. Also, golf is boring to me.

I’m looking forward to wrapping up the home improvement projects that I have going at the moment.  Left on the list is…

– Stain the deck (happening this weekend)

– New window in my bedroom (incoming, the workers will call when it’s in)

– Gas line to the kitchen

– New gas range

– Back splash in the kitchen

– Paint the shutters

Like a Boss?

One bizarre event sticks out today as I start to wind down. Well, I’m not exactly winding down because I’ll probably run some tonight. Didn’t get a chance to earlier because I was running around all over the place picking up weed killer, deck cleaner, and challah…which I assure you will all be used separately.

So I was sitting in the office alone when one of the cleaning guys came in to pick up the trash tonight. They’re a decent set and friendly, but usually pretty quiet. Anyway, for whatever reason (probably because for once I wasn’t on the phone or writing an email), he struck up the briefest of conversations and started it by saying “we think of you as the boss-man, that right?” To which I could only sort of uncomfortably laugh and tell him that they call me a supervisor, so I’m not really the boss. He maintained that they were right all along and that I’m the calling the shots.

The funny thing is, after he left I kept thinking about it and realized that it was truer than I want to necessarily acknowledge. To a surprising extent, I actually am the final word on many things. Even if one of the VPs of sales or marketing or whatever disagrees, I can usually convince them simply because I have more information at my disposal. Hell, they call me when they need to add a job into our system and ask exactly how it should be set up.  When it comes down to it, I’m one or four or five people in the company who can tell you in detail what’s going on in all three departments at any given moment. What jobs can move, what can’t. How each department can help each other and more importantly what their limitations are. Which clients you can say no to, which clients you can’t, and which clients that maybe you can’t say no to, but are usually pretty flexible. And I know what they pay and what to charge the new people. It’s daunting if I contemplate it too much.

Somewhere along the line in the last four years I went and made myself important and didn’t even realize it. And you know what, it feels good. The thing is, I actually feel confident that I really can run the place. I would have never said that about myself years ago.

Also: all of this working out has plenty of benefits, but some days I feel like I’m doing a great job curating a museum that no one visits. Ah well, it often makes me feel good so I’m going to run now anyway.

Never in a million years would someone believe I’d say this:

Virtually everyone I’ve known for my whole adult life would think that I’ve been replaced by a pod person facsimile for saying this, but lately I’ve found myself wondering if it might not be such an awful thing to eventually be a father.

…of course, I’m missing a critical half of the equation so there’s hardly much point in delving too deeply into it. I’ve always loved kids and gotten along with them so well. I love playing with the little ones and I’ve even learned to understand some toddler-ese. I guess that I didn’t think they fit into my life the way I wanted to live it – but if I’m being completely honest it was also largely because I was terrified that I would raise it poorly or give it a bad start generally. My genes aren’t the greatest and I’ve had some dark times but on the whole I’ve realized that EVERY parent fucks up their kids. My dad to this day is convinced that he’s responsible for all of my problems over the years because he made us move when I was just starting high school. Looking back on it now, I think he’s crazy. There’s nothing he could have done, really. I was just fucking crazy (still am, just redirected). But more important is that both he and my mom were there to help me rebuild a life for myself. By creating me as I am, they may have built in some faults but they’re also largely responsible for the fact that I had the physical, mental, and emotional tools needed to reassemble after it all blew apart.

So yeah, lately there are times when I look at Beren and Magdalena and now Ember and think to myself how cool it would be to have someone call me Dad and think I’m superman. Weird, right?